Interviews

So... I've been looking for a job and I haven't had much luck; however, I have in the last week had 2 interviews with 2 different companies. I reapplied to Tmobile and Verizon had a job fair. On the way to the job fair, Tmobile called and set up an interview for the next day. I was excited because I'd been really working hard to get my timidness under control to be able to get a good job. I went to the job fair and we had to stand outside for a while... So long that someone actually passed out, but... She's ok. We were weeded into this room after they found our applications and waited for an interview. My name was called and I started talking to the lady as we walked to the place for the interview and it came up that my mom works there. She asked who my mom was and I told her. As it turns out... She is my mom's boss's boss. So She knew my mom and was excited to interview me. The interview went good and I had to go back the next day for an assessment. So I went to the assessment and passed. They set up a phone interview for the next day (I was excited). So then I went to my Tmobile interview. It went really well...except for the part they forgot to tell me that i was ineligible for the position because the policy had recently changed. (Heather fussed at them). So Friday, I took Heather to work because the movie we went to see on date night (Going the D1stance) started right after she got off so she wouldn't have time to come back and get me. She listened to my phone interview and jumped for joy with me when I found out I have a third interview on.... MONDAY!!! So maybe that will work out. After work, we went to Cinebarre. It's like a movie theater that you can get like hamburgers and stuff at... We LOVED the movie, but the rest was a bit expensive especially for it just to be average food. It was an experience none the less. We have just been relaxing and doing what we want yesterday and today but... I'm excited about my interview on Monday.

On another note.... Welcome Back to Blogging Chrissie!

Jess

Busy Busy Busy

So I started my new job 2 weeks ago and I love it. I love the people I work with and the job itself. However I must admit I am exhausted. I feel like I dont have time to do anything I want or need to do outside of work anymore. It is becoming over whelming. My weekends have not been restful at all. I have been so busy with things both weekends I have not even had time to sit down and relax at all. But all in all its worth it. Jess is still looking for a job. Hopefully she will find something she likes. Things have been okay this way. Not great just okay. I know its been awhile since we have blogged and I apologize for that. Just been kinda crazy. Jess's dad is doing so much better now so at least that is off of our chest. Jess's Birthday was on the 19th and we celebrated by going out to dinner together. We had a good time. My brother joined the Navy. A BIG shock to the whole family. He leaves for Basic in October. We are still not sure how my niece (Brianna who is 5) is going to deal with it. However he is very excited about it so we are going to support him. I know that we do not update very often anymore but I do read all of the blogs I follow so I can see how everyone is doing. I hope everyone is doing great! And I promise I will start blogging more!
♥H

Lack of Sleep

These last couple of days have been hectic to say the least. It all started Saturday night... Jess and I were laying in bed, and Jess's mom knocked on the door and said they were going to take Jess's dad to the hospital. So of course we jumped up and ran out to see whats going on and he was having really bad pains in his stomach and he could not keep anything down...so off to the hospital they went and our job was to keep the dogs and try to stop them from freaking out (Yes they are spoiled rotten) The next day we found out that her dad was going to have to have surgery. He had a hernia that had messed up his small intestine and his bowels. So after 4 hours in surgery he comes out and doesn't even know who he is or where he is at. (It was a very tense and traumatic day) Today he remembers everything and seems to be doing some better, although he is still very tired and sore. He is going to be in the hospital for a while, then he will be home and out of work for a while. So we haven't slept hardly at all, and we are all exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. Its been a lot to take in and deal with all at once. Of course Jess has been amazing in supporting her mom even though she is really hurting and scared too, but she doesnt let it show til we are alone and then I just hold her as she cries. I will update later as I can. I hope all is well in blog land!
♥ H

The Last Song

Have you ever felt down, like really really down, and not want to talk or not really want to be around people. Well that's how I feel right now. I am just bummed. Not really sure why. I just feel like nothing is working the way I want it too. Things have been kinda tense with Jess and I...why you might ask...well there is alot of reasons but none that I really know how to point out. I have been struggling with myself much less trying to be in a relationship. I mean we have our good days and our bad. It just seems like we haven't been connecting right ya know? I dont really know how to describe it. I am just majorly bummed out right now...

On a lighter note...I finished "The Last Song" by Nicholas Sparks...and I loved it. My favorite book by him by far! I mean Nicholas Sparks is arguably one of the best current authors out there right now, He has had so many good novels out, most of which are now being turned into films that are making major money in theaters. The only thing I don't like about that is the fact that the books are ALWAYS better then the movies. The movies just don't do the books justice. Now I have not seen "The Last Song" and I can't wait to see it (It comes out on Dvd on August 17 by the way) So I just started reading the book yesterday afternoon and I finished it in less then a day...thats how good it was. I can not go on enough about it. Jess has not read it yet, she is now reading it so I can't give it away but I would strongly recommend it to everyone out there to read it.

Well I am off to bed, to what I am sure is going to be another restless night.
<3 H

Oh what a day...

Today has been a great day. I got my haircut, spent the day with Jess and her mom, and we cooked out and went swimming. Now I am sitting at home reading the new book I got from the library today and relaxing with my love while the brownies are in the oven...yeah I know they are not good for our diet however, we are starting out slow and not cutting everything out in our diet. So we get one dessert a week and tonight is the night.

Lately my hair has been driving me crazy. I am not one to have long hair, because well I just dont like it on me. I have just been so busy lately I have kinda let my hair go and boom it was half way down by back before I knew it. Crazy! So today I finally took the time to go get my hair done and I feel so much better! Whew! I can breathe again. After I got my hair cut I went to lunch with Jess and her mom. It was great. I love Jess's mom. Things have gotten so easy with them. Its like we are all family now...however with that being said...it kinda makes me sad because I am majorly drifting away from my own family. I used to talk to my mom everyday and now not so much. We got into this big argument because I wanted to come see them before I start my job because I know that when I do start I wont have alot of time. My mom just acted like she didnt want to see me and when I asked about it she said it was easier "dealing" with me on the phone...that I was an embarrassment to my family because I am gay. Ouch...that stung. My dad has not talked to me since I came out. He wont answer my phone calls or reply to my texts so I quit trying. It just hurts me so bad, to not have my family apart of my life. It's not fair that I can't have Jess and them. It hurts more then I can possibly explain. I can't live my life for my family, I can't be who they want me to be, and it sucks. Anyways...

I am super excited about starting my new job. I am beyond excited. I am going somewhere with my life and it makes me so happy and I feel good about it. This is a huge opportunity for me and I am so grateful that it has presented itself for me.

Okay I am going to read more of my book "The last song" by Nicholas Sparks. Good night blogging world...

♥ H

Blog Nomination

So our blogger friend Chrissie nominated our blog for being versatile, which is a huge honor, its really an honor that people even read about our somethings boring, sometimes hectic life. I started blogging as a way to vent and to share our experiences to read back on later...kinda like a online diary. So the fact that we have such amazing people actually reading and caring about our lives is well amazing to me. So a huge thanks to Chrissie (who is awesome by the way).

Here is the rules...
1. Thank the person who nominated you.
2. Tell 7 things about yourself
3. Nominate 15 new blogs
4. Tell the nominees.

So here are the 7 things you might not know about Jess and I (Heather)
1. I (Heather) came home on Christmas day...and my brothers still pick on me to this day that they looked for the receipt because they did not ask for a sister from Santa.
2. Jess has a book published...it is a book of poetry and is really amazing. It is called the Internal Eternal.
3. Jess has one sister and I have 3 brothers
4. I am pretty close to being fluent in french, while Jess is close to being fluent in spanish.
5. Jess and I both love to read
6. Between the two of us we have 5 Nieces and only one nephew
7. Our love for each other is constantly growing and changing and it amazes us both constantly...we are each others soul mates, best friends, lovers and so much more.

Now to nominate 15 more blogs... ( I am going to nominate not just new blogs but blogs that I find inspiring.)

1. The Princess and her Pea
2. Looking for a little turtle (Such an amazing story...I could not be happier for these ladies, I know that they have been in the blogging world for a while but I can't help myself...I have laughed, cried and grieved with these ladies)
3. Me and She
4. Just a pair of moms in training
5.Two hot mamas
6. A story of two moms

Yes I know we are way short, but what can I say...I am picky. LOL. Thanks again Chrissie!

Swimming, Pecan Pie, And Crablegs?

So...Heather and I went to movie under the stars the other night. It sounds like a really romantic idea, and I believe had we been able to hear it would have been. Alas, we had a great time. Well before the movie started, there were families eating and such. At first it was all picnic foods, you know chips, sandwiches and such. Well...This family comes up, puts there blanket and chairs out and they have these 3 cute picnic baskets... I like people watching and since they were beside us it was easy to discretely watch them...Out of the three baskets came shrimp, crab legs, caviar, champagne, and cocktail sauce. Complete with the cracker thing for the legs! It was insane!! I got attacked by bugs (they make me very itchy sometimes apparently) and we got cotton candy too!! (yea....it was an off diet weekend) So then we went driving towards the beach just so we didn't have to go home yet, and on the way back....there was a car UPSIDE DOWN!! It was all upside down turtle like. Overall we had fun!

SO Sunday is my Dad's day to cook. He LOVES to cook. He cooked bbq, brunswick stew, baked beans and coleslaw... lol wow...we had a bcd (B stuff C coleslaw D dinner) lol yea...i'm a dork And then....It was TRUE BL00D time! We watched it as a family, ate pecan pie and boiled peanuts! it was YUMMY!

Oh...I started another loom bracelet yesterday. Its turning out really pretty. Its an ocean scene. Maybe once I finish We can post pictures of it for you guys to see. Loom beading apparently really relaxes me and its alot of fun. I have a few lined up for me to do. I have done Heather a key chain that says ♥ H ♥ J ♥ and I did a Rainbow Row one for my mom (Rainbow Row for those who don't know about Charleston, is this row of old time houses that are all painted different colors. Its really pretty) and I did a key chain for Nanny that has flowers and then it says Nanny. I have one in my head to do for my sister. Its going to have her, her husbands, and her kids initials on it. THen...I'm doing another one for Heather that will be rainbow colors and and have a pink heart then Heather then a blue heart. I also want to try and make a ring out of my loom. I have an idea in my head for it and I hope it works. I think they're going to be really pretty.

SOo... We just got word that Heather gets to start a full week and a half early for work! Thats the 15!!! Its 10-7 and weekends off with me! Thats Awesome! I'm soo proud of her! She's amazing. I'm amazing too, but I'm only learning that.

Then...Today...We got to go SWIMMING!! My grandparents are out of town so we went over there an went swimming in their pool. It was so relaxing and it felt good for it to be just me and Heather not worrying about anything. She's my world. We had alot of fun.

Ah phoey...I gotta go comfort two puppies who are afraid of thunder...

♥ Jess

Where has time gone?

So I just realized that Jess and I haven't blogged in 20 days! That's crazy. So now I am going to try and fill everyone in on whats going on bullet style...

• I start working at T-mobile on the 22nd of August
• Jess got a job, and she should start working sometime next week
• Still staying with Jess's parents, although I am getting more comfy around them now
• My family is drama as usual :(
• I was sick for a couple of days and Jess's mom took care of me (Jess did alot too)
  
• I think we may have found our first lesbian friend (IDK yet though)
• I got to talk to my niece Bri for the first time in months
• My cousin had her baby...it was a girl. I so want one!
  
• Jess and I have committed to losing weight together...so not fun!
• I started Cro-Knitting a blanket...its going to be really pretty. I will snap a couple of pics
• I cro-knit...I feel really old saying that
• I am going through my mid-20ies crisis...where I feel the sudden need to be young.
• We lost power yesterday...cause the powerpoll around the house snapped in half...by itself... (Jess informed me that this was blog worthy)
  
• Jess and I have been working with her dad once a week to earn a little money til our jobs start
• I want to get my haircut but dont really want to spend the money on it til we have more money coming in. Plus I dont know how I want it done yet...I am so picky.
• We went out to dinner tonight with Jess's parents...which in fact was my first real sit down dinner with family. (Sad I know)
  

So thats pretty much whats been going on here. Not a whole lot but thats our lives right now. Hope everyone in blog land is doing great!

This one's for you.

So... I haven't blogged in a little bit so I figured I would. Granted I will quite possibly touch on many of the same subjects my love has touched, but idk. Maybe not. It's hard being here. I'm trying to make the best of it though. I'm trying to keep my head up and remember that no matter what anyone says, I'm pretty great. I may be going through a lot and I may not always want to say that I'm great and I try to be pretty humble. I understand the job market is empty just about but maybe, just maybe there will be something out there for me. The world is hard but there should be a way for everyone to use their talents and make some sort of happiness for themselves. Me? I'm a writer. I'm 22 years old, and writing is my passion, there I said it. I am a natural writer. I am beginning to understand that even though I have a natural talent for writing, sometimes it takes work. That being said, how many people can say they have on published book and two in the works? Really? Yea...That's freaking amazing. I have been really down on myself lately and I have to apologize again to Heather for having to put up with my downer attitude, at least towards myself. She's so Awesome to be dealing with EVERYTHING she is and then I didn't help any. I'm trying to get better I really am, And deep down, I know I'm awesome too. I'm trying to let that guide me from now on. I'm capable and willing to do any damn thing I put my mind too. Ok...I'm going to stop bragging now... This one's for you, Heather.

I love you.

AHHH!

Does anything every go right anymore? I am so mad right now I could scream. So we just got settled in here (well as settled in as we can get) and Jess's family is driving me crazy and my family is driving me crazy and nothing seems to be going right anymore. I mean yes I just got this great job and I am super excited about however if this guy doesn't pull some strings then I wont get to start the job until the 22nd of August. So what am I supposed to do until then? We have to have some money coming in. I just need some positive news today, something good to happen. Someone to give us a break. I don't think that is going to happen, but please just seriously give us a break. PLEASE! If Jess's parents call us children one more time I am going to scream. If my dad starts problems with my nanny one more time, I am going to go crazy on him. I have given up hope on having a relationship with him, and I have come to terms with that but seriously it is just wrong for him to try and convince my family not to have anything to do with me...especially my nanny who is very sick and 82 years old and my hero. I am not doing anything wrong by being with Jess. I love her and I am following my heart and there is nothing wrong with that and I am sorry that he doesnt agree with the way I am living my life, and I am okay with that everyone has a right to their opinion (even if it is wrong) but he has no right to try and persuade my family to have nothing to do with me. I really just want to scream at this point. I told Jess I am ready to move out of the country and not tell either of our families where we are going. And honestly I would really consider it if it wasnt for my nieces and nephew and my nanny. Sorry I really just needed to vent and I am sure Jess is tried of hearing it.
Signing off...H

Oh the Fireworks!

Jess and I moved to Charleston, and so far it is working out really well. I just got an amazing job, where I will make great money and it is a great opportunity with T-mobile.EEK! Jess has another interview tomorrow with another great company so hopefully that will work out. The whole living with Jess's parents has been interesting but I keep reminding myself it is only temporary and it will be okay. I can do it. Jess took me to fireworks for the 4th of July at the beach last night. It was so amazing. We got there way early, so we sat watching the water and talking, more on that later... The fireworks were so worth the wait and the crazy traffic afterwards. It was the perfect evening. Watching the sun set, the waves crashing in the background, and then the fireworks lighting up the dark sky all while Jess and I together sitting on a beach towel in the soft sand...perfection. I wish I could tell you how much it meant to me. I couldn't decide which one to watch Jess or the fireworks...both were equally beautiful. So while we were waiting Jess and I had an interesting conversation and I would love to have everyone's opinion on it.

How much PDA is too much PDA for a gay couple? Is it the same as a straight couple. I mean while we were at the fireworks, there were alot of families there and Jess and I didnt want to disrespect anyone by holding hands or me laying my head in her lap while the fireworks were going. Is that to much? What are the rules with that? I mean I know there are none actually set but what do yall think?

Another thing is how does a lesbian couple find other lesbian couples to be friends with? We just moved here so we don't know anyone and we would really love to have other lesbian couple friends as well as straight couples. But how do you find them?

I think that was all but it feels like I am leaving something out. I am sure Jess will remember what it is. Leave your thoughts on this for me. Thanks girls!
♥H

One Company Two Interviews

Soo... I had my interview today. I don't know how it went. Heather says I'm too down on myself but I'm nervous. I really want the job. I'm sending a Thank You note tomorrow to try and set myself apart. But the most amazing part? Heather had her phone interview today with the same company!!! AND SHE HAS AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW!!!! I'm SOOO proud of her!!! She's amazing. Maybe that will go really well and something will start to change for us. Heather's so strong. She is going through so much and her only concern is every one around her. She wants me to be happy. I am happy. With her. I just I feel like our worlds are collapsing and its my fault. I know somewhere its not my fault, but... I left a job because I couldn't take the shiet. They were mean to me and hated me and so it was good that i left but... If it werent for that... Heather wouldn't have to be adjusting and that'd be a laye of stress off of her. I want her happy. Her happinss is my only concern. Alright...I know this is short but we gotta get up early for her interview.

Moving is not fun...

Well we survived the move, Two VERY long days of moving a very sleepless night equals two very tired girls. So we are here in Jess's parents house. Jess as a second interview today. I hope that goes well for her. I know she is amazing and will blow them away like she did me. Everyone who meets her can't help but like her...that's just the way she is. I am trying to get used to the running of the house here. You know how everyone runs their house differently and do things the way they want them done, well I am just trying to figure it out here. Jess and I cooked dinner for her parents last night...well I cooked and Jess showed me where everything was. I hoped they really liked it and just didn't pretend to for my feelings sake. So today Jess is going to her interview and I am going to be unpacking our room and trying to get everything situated and putting in applications online. Jess's parents will be home around 7ish. Then we will eat. I like Jess's parents I really do, I just don't know them that well. I mean I have only met them like 4 times and now I am LIVING with them. I know it will just take some getting used to. I know it will help us in the long run. Until then however, I sit here in a house I know nothing about, in a city that I know nothing about, the only place I know how to get to is Wal-mart. I do, however, have two adorable little puppies to keep me company...they are silkie terrier and the other is a shorkie. They are both small but they are guard dogs. They go crazy as soon as they here someone pull up or even walk by the house. Its cute. Okay off to find a job, and get my Jess ready for her big interview. Hope everyone is blogland has a great day.

I'm ready to raise the white flag

The white flag is in my hand and I am ready to raise it and waive it. I don't know how much more I can take. It seems like we move a step in the right direction and then get knocked back 5 steps...do the math, its not pretty people. We are giving up our independence, our freedom and we are doing this to go in the right direction, so we can have a better life, so I am okay with that. It just seems like the world is against us right now. Like there is this evil plan out to get us and knock us on our knees and beg for mercy. I have never been one to give up, however, I am ready to pull the white flag out and beg. I just need for something good to happen, for a break, for a sign that we are doing the right thing. ANYTHING that will make all of this stress, and dread in my stomach go away. As much as we try to keep positive it seems as if something negative is around every corner grabbing us. Hidden fees, Companies not doing what they say, People saying they are going to do one thing and then doing something completely different. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Okay I am done venting now...I will continue to pack my first apartment with a smile on my face and act as if everything is okay now. Thanks for reading my whining.
♥H

Stressed to the max

So Jess and I are moving this weekend...we will be saying goodbye to our first apartment together. Its sad but its a positive thing. We are moving to Charleston to better our lives. Its kinda a last minute decision but it just seems we are sinking further and further in debt here and we cant seem to get out. So we are going to stay with Jess's parents for a while to get back on our feet and then we will find another place together. The past couple of days have been an emotional hell for me. My grandmother took a turn for the worse, I'm overwhelmed from the move, one of my childhood friend's dad was in a very bad motorcycle accident and is on life support, it just seems like everything is happening so fast and all at once. My family was talking about putting my nanny in a nursing home so Jess and I were prepared to take a month apart for me to go stay with her while she stays with her parents to save up money for a deposit on a house near my nanny, but my dad wont allow that. (He isnt doing to well with the whole me coming out thing) And honestly I wasn't doing well with the whole leaving Jess for a month thing...but I was going to do what I had to do for my family...(especially my nanny!) Jess and I both love nanny so much that we were both willing to make that sacrifice to do this. It was killing us both but we were going to do it. Then my dad says no...just plain and simple no. Which left me feeling so many emotions...relieved, sad, hurt...needless to say I have been crying alot. Poor Jess just kinda hugs me because I think she is at a lose of what to say or do. She is just amazing through all of this though. So we are going on an adventure to Charleston...and it is a P-o-s-i-t-i-v-e thing! No matter how much its going to suck til we get back on our feet we can do it...TOGETHER. Together we can accomplish anything, together our love can beat the evil forces of the world. So we will go to Charleston with our heads held high and be proud that we were strong enough to ask for help.

I love you Jess.

So... We took the kids home yesterday. It was really sad. I didn't want to take them home. I know I said earlier how much hard work they are, and they are, but... they are amazing creatures. They don't mind discipline. I think they really .... like it in a way. They respect us. They were SOOO cute. We took them to Chuck E. Cheese's the day before and they were sooo excited. It made me feel like they loved and needed us. Jess will you do this with me, Aunt Heather will you play this with me. It was amazing. The patrons at Chuck E. Cheese's kept calling us their parents... It made me feel good. After our day of fun packedness, We came home and just partied. It was really fun. We just kinda partied here at the apartment and what not. When we were settling down to sleep... Ethan says his tummy hurt so he came into our bed with us. We sat there and talked with him forever. He was SOO sweet. He said it takes a special person to be called aunt and that I was special it just didn't flow Aunt Jess so he'd rather call me Jess. It was soo cute. It broke my heart when he started crying and told us he'd miss us and wanted to stay here. I wish we could have kept them all. I love them soo much. So... I asked Natalie for a hug the other day and she of course gave me one and I told her i loved her and she goes I love you Jess. It was SOOO sweet. It melted my heart. They are all amazing. And Heather being the amazing person she is, is perfect with them. She is perfect for me. I love he so very very much. So all in all... I want them back but i'll enjoy my time with Heather too. I love them, but I think we deserve some Me and Heather time. Just me and Heather.

YAYA>...off to spend time with my Amazing Heather.

Really?

So... I don't know that I'm made to be a mom. These kids have worn me out and beaten me down. I hate yelling and putting them in time out and what not, but they don't listen period. The oldest and youngest are definitely .... divas. They like to test Heather and I. They won't do what we say and they're well.. they try to do whatever they please. Don't get me wrong I love them completely and they can be sweet and loving and adorable. I just don't know that I have the patience to deal with being a stay at home mom or a mom period. I want the best for them. I just don't know. This week has deepened my love and amazement for Heather. She handles the kids sooo well and I know she gets tired of them but she cares so much for them. Its amazing to watch her with them. She truly loves them. She fixes the whatever they need and she doesn't think twice about it. She devotes herself completely to those kids. Its amazing to watch and be a part of. We still find little ways to show our love for each other but nothing too obvious. She mothers these kids and disciplines them and just is amazing. I know she hates disciplining them and stuff but she is truly amazing. She can tell why they make every action and usually counteract it with productive activity like naps or cartoons or something. I know she'd make a great mom if we ever decide to have a kid. But for the time being....We'll make great aunts.

Alright I'm hungry.

Out and about

So I am officially out to my whole family! Yikes! It feels amazing to be able to be myself and not have to hide the fact that I am in love with the most amazing woman in the world. So it has been so amazing on some points but I'm pretty sure what little relationship I had with my father is gone. He won't speak to me at all. The only problem I have with this is well he lives with my mom and I feel so awkward being there now, so its going to hurt my relationship with her. My brother thankfully, said that the kids could still come! I was so excited! So yesterday Jess and I drove all day (8 hours round trip) to get the kids and bring them to our home. It was good getting to see the family and have Jess with me and them know that we are together. Most of my family took it very well. There are still a couple of distant family who I haven't heard of their reactions but I am sure they aren't good. However I am not worrying about it. I feel free and oh so happy I have my girl, my family, and my kiddies are visiting for a week. So more about that...

I have with me two nieces and a nephew...I also have another Niece Brianna but she wasn't able to come on this trip (her mom is getting married) So Alexis is 10, Ethan is 7 and Natalie is 3. Alexis likes to be the big girl...following me around and helping whenever she can and Ethan is the quiet one, just kinda goes with the flow, however Natalie is well lets just say a mess! My brother and his wife need to tame that girl and quick. She will be a different child when she leaves Aunt Heather's house. I don't let her get away with half of the crap her mom does. She just looks at me like wow your serious. She is so adorable but a handful. She is the one you have to keep an eye on every second of every day.

So whats on the agenda? Tomorrow Jess is off so we are going to the beach for the day, with kites, sand castle kits and a picnic and camera of course...lol. Then Saturday we are going to the aquarium in Savannah because it is celebrating its birthday and they are doing all kinds of cool things with the kids. Then one day we are going to explore Savannah together and take lots of pictures, other then that there will be lots of playing in our pool, lots of monopoly, uno and Jenga playing, and just spending time together. This morning when we woke up we had a big tickle fest. It was great. I love having them here. My poor Jess is sick though. Poor baby, she has the sore throat, headache, running nose and all. I can tell she feels horrible but she keeps right up with the kids and won't slow down at all. Gosh she is a trooper. I fall more in love with her everyday. It amazes me just when I think I cant fall for her more I do. Now thats love. I will update later...gotta get back to the kiddies.
♥H

WOW! Did that really just happen?

HOLY CRAP! So so much has happened in the last 24 hours! It all started with my father. Now to fully understand you must know that my father and I have a very strained relationship. We used to be really close, he left me for years came back when I was 18 and expected to pick up where we left all...needless to say it didnt happen like that. Anyway back to the point... So my father wasn't happy about Jess and I going to get the kids and bringing them back here for a week. He wanted me to come there for a week and stay with them. I, however didnt want to be away from my home or Jess that long. He couldnt understand that because my family did not know about us. Soo... We got into an arguement about the whole thing and he told me he didnt want me to get the kids I told him I was so excited about getting them and he ruined it for me. Later last night I checked my emails with Jess, and there was an email from my dad, so I opened it and it said and I quote "When were you going to tell me about you and Jess and dont say what I'm not stupid" So my heart dropped in my stomach and I freaked. I knew right then that I had to call my mom and tell her because I didnt want it coming from my father. I knew I had to be the one to tell her. So I called her and talked to her like normal for a minute while I gathered up the courage and then I said Mom I have to tell you something and she goes okay. I said I have feelings for Jess. She replies "Duh" and then I could breathe. She then goes on to tell me they have suspected for over a year now that I did which they were right Jess and I have been together for 15 months. We talked and both of us cried, I asked her if she still loved me and she assured me she did and that nothing changed with us. I was and would always be her daughter. She then told me that just because she took it so well doesnt mean everyone in the family will. That it was going to take them some time to get used to the idea and I have to respect that. Which I do. My family grew up on very strict rules, and very old-fashioned beliefs. Last night I was just a bundle of nerves. So mom told me that before I could get the kids for a week I had to tell my brother and make sure he was still okay with the kids coming. Sooo... I tried to call them and they didnt answer so I emailed them. I know that is the chicken way out I honestly dont think I could tell anyone else last night. I was just so overwhelmed and honestly I still am. So now I am waiting not-so-patiently for them to email me back or call or something to see if I can still get the kids. I hope I can but if not I have to respect that it may take them time to get used to the idea. I just hope it doesnt take long. I really miss the kids. So when I woke up this morning I was trying to analyze how I felt... happy, sad, scared, nervous, relieved just so many emotions at once. I dont know whats going to happen with my family. I did the hard part I guess now I just have to wait and see what happens. I still dont know what to do about my father. I guess I will email him and tell him. I dont think I can do it over the phone. I am so angry at him for making me tell everyone before I was ready. I feel as if I was pressured into it, but at the same time I dont know that you are ever truly ready for that. I am glad its done and out in the open and I dont have to hide it anymore, so now I wait...and see if my family will still accept me. I will keep you posted.
♥H

Kids, kids, kids

I am terribly excited. My nieces and nephew are coming to Savannah to stay with Jess and I in t-minus 3 days! EEK! They will be here for a little over a week! I can't wait and I can not thank my beautiful fiance yes I said fiance (I will get to that later ) for being so amazing and being almost as excited about my kids coming as I am. See I have never been apart from Alexis, Ethan, Natalie or Brianna for more then a couple of days and currently it has been almost 4 months since I have seen them! It breaks my heart. Brianna is the only one that wont be at this trip cause her mom is getting married next weekend so she has to be there for that of course. She and my little brother Brian will be coming up along with my dad and older brother in July. Its so exciting to be able to share a part of my life with them...of course its not all of it cause they dont know about Jess and I being together. I really need to tell them that since we have officially set a date for our commitment ceremony. March 13, 2011. EEK! I proposed to Jess on our One year Anniversary at night under the stars at the beach. It was perfect and I had this whole game that we played where she had cards that she opened at random times throughout the night and each card had a question and if she answered it right then she got a prize...so I took her to her favorite restaurant (olive garden) and got her flowers and had all kinds of cute stuff for her well at card six we were swinging on a 2 person swing at the beach and the stars where shining it was perfect and her prize was a letter that I had written her telling her how amazing she was and how lucky I was and then at the end of the letter I said will you open card number 7 and card number 7 said "Will you marry me" I then got down on one knee and asked her to be mine forever...she said yes so that was the right answer and she got a ring ;) It was the happiest moment of my life thus far of course the moment I say my vows in front of our family and friends will surely triumph it, it will go down in the history book. I am truly so lucky to have such an amazing woman in my life. I have no idea what I did to deserve her or a love like this but I thank god for it daily. She is the most amazing person I have ever met and I fall more in love with her daily. I can't wait til Wednesday til we drive the very long drive back to my hometown to pick up the kids to bring them home with us. Oh the adventures we will have! I will blog all about it! I love you JLB...Always and Forever!
♥H

Grandmas, casinos and Hank

I just realized after looking at our blog that we haven't blogged about our trip with my grandmother. I have been looking forward to this trip for so long and I was so excited about going and it finally happened 2 weekends ago ( Yes I know I should be ashamed I am just now blogging of this) Jess FINALLY met my grandmother and I must say it went soo smooth. It was like Jess was her granddaughter too. It started all on a Friday morning with Jess and I getting up at 6 in the morning to drive the 3 hours to my grandmothers house. Little did I know that when we got there my Aunt Helen would be there too. I think that kinda freaked Jess out since she was already extremely nervous about meeting my nanny (cause she is my hero and so much more). So before I could even get out of the car Mary (My nanny's neighbor) is outside practically running to me hugging me asking me how I am, and how is Savannah and all of that good stuff and after hugging her I look over at Jess who looks terrified like she is walking into her execution or something...it was so cute! So I gave her a re-assuring smile and walked inside with her by my side. After introductions to everyone (My nanny hugged her and I entirely melted on the spot) we talked to my Aunt Helen for a little bit before continuing on our journey. We then drove the hour and a half to my moms house. I had to drop off some stuff for her before we went to the casino. So Jess got to meet my mom and my dog (which I was heartbroken to have to leave at my moms house when I moved here with Jess). After we talked to my mom for a few minutes we then drove the 2 hours to the casino. Yes add it up...6 1/2 hours...in a car. Ick! We found our hotel and checked in and before Jess and I could rest for a minute my nanny said I'm ready to go gambling girls lets go...so we were off to the casino...

Once we got to the casino we got nanny started playing on the slot machines while we went to get Jess a card since this was her first time there. After we got that all done we went back to where nanny was and we played slot machines and talked. It was so fun. Time just flew by. Next thing we knew it was 7ish and I knew I had to talk my nanny into leaving the casino and going to eat dinner and then go to bed or she was going to be sooo tired and I didn't want her to over due it. Even though you can't tell it she is a very sick lady and I want to keep her forever so yes I am very protective of her. So we took my nanny to Golden Corral which I remember as being one of her favorite restaurants. However that was before she got sick and had all of the restrictions on her diet. Literally it would be easier for me to tell you what she could eat then what she couldn't, regardless she was very grateful and enjoyed it very much and then we went back to the hotel and slept. The next morning at 6:45 my nanny pokes me in my side and says "Heather I'm ready to go gambling now" She had already gotten a shower and dressed and took her medicine and everything so I woke Jess up who was a real trooper because neither of us do mornings. Jess and I went to get breakfast and stole a few kisses while nanny did her breathing treatment. After breakfast we went to the casino and spent the WHOLE day there. We arrived there at 7 and left at 5.


Nanny and I





Jess and I


After we left the casino at 5, we knew that we didnt want to spend the rest of the night in the hotel before heading home the next day so we quickly jumped on the internet to find something to do. After a little searching I wrote down a couple of addresses and we were off yet again. I drove while nanny was beside me and Jess was in the back and we took nanny to the grave site of Hank Williams. Hank Williams was a HUGE country singer back in the days when my nanny was young and he just happened to be my nanny's absolute favorite singer ever. She loved being able to go there. Then we did a tour of the older homes in Montgomery, Alabama. After that was done we went to the home of Martin Luther King JR. It was all very interesting. My nanny loved every minute of it.




Hank William's Grave




Hank William's Hat



Sunday morning we woke up at 6:30 and got ready left the hotel and headed to my mom's house where my dad and all my brothers and my mom were waiting for us. I was worried about this one cause I know if you put me and my older brothers together well it usually gets a little crazy because we are all VERY opinionated and we dont mind sharing it. There is usually at least one heated discussion anytime we are all in the same room and they did not let me down. Jess just stood beside me taking it all in and then when me and my oldest brother were discussing my nephew Ethan, Jess piped in and shocked the whole family cause she had been so quiet and she stuck up for me and told Chris I was right. It was great. The whole family was like WOW where did that come from. Best moment ever. They completely respected her opinion and the fact that even though she was shy she stood up for what she believed in. Then we got on the topic of her tattoos which my nanny wasnt too pleased of but thankfully didnt say a whole about. She is just old fashioned. We spent a couple of hours there and then it was time to get nanny home because I knew she was getting tired. So we dropped nanny off at her house almost 2 hours later and we were on the 3 hour drive home both completely exhausted. Over all it was just an amazing trip. My whole family loves Jess and more importantly my Nanny LOVED Jess. She asks about her everyday when I talk to her now and tells all of my cousins about her and its just amazing that I can share Jess with my family and My family with Jess. Its something I never thought I would be able to experience. I am truly grateful for the chance to have my two heros spend the weekend with me and I will never forget that weekend. It goes in the history books as one of the greats.



My Nanny playing the slot machines


♥ H

Pool, Pie, and Pretty little girls

So... As most of you know, we're a one income household currently. It's tight, but we're getting through it. We're making the best of everything. We had DATE NIGHT last night. It was amazing. Heather, being the truly amazing wife she is, spoiled me rotten. I came home from work to a feast. I even got sweet potato pie! I am truly spoiled and in love. Speaking of being in love... I fall more in love with Heather every day. She has gotten me to open up so much about not only my past, but my feelings and what was going through my mind at any given moment. I've never done that before. She knows more about me than I did... I blocked a lot of my feelings because I thought they were irrelevant and that no one would care. I felt like I didn't deserve to show what I was feeling, but that has all changed. Heather not only lets me, but encourages me to unblock my feelings and just let me be me. I am who I am and if someone doesn't like it, oh well. Heather is truly remarkable and I know she's stressed right now, but I know not only that she will come out on top of the world and that I will be right beside her. She is truly the love of my life.

So...In other news... Heather and I went swimming today. I love swimming with her. It's like our worries drift away from us. For those brief moments (which today was like 5 hours), we can relax and just breathe. I hate that she's stressed. I would do anything to make everything better. Just a flick of the magic wand...Damn...I really need o find where I hid that thing...It could really come in handy... Oh wait... It was recalled from my possession via throwing because it didn't work and it made me sad. She's truly my world.

Well... while swimming this little girl and her babysitter join us. The babysitter didn't really care about watching the little girl, but she played with Heather and I. She was soo cute. Her name is Isabella and she is two. She played with us the entire time we were in the pool. We played ball and she kept begging us to lift her out of the pool and then catch her when she jumped in. She was too cute. It made Heather and I both want one. But I want to give my best shot to make all of Heather's and my dreams come true. I know I have a lot of work to do to accomplish some of our goals, but we will get there. My book will sell and I will take Heather to Paris and everywhere else we want to go. Granted I want to write more books, but that will come with time. One at a time right? Anyways...I thought it was awesome that Heather and I made a friend regardless of the fact she's two.

So then... we started these thingys...They are garden stones that we got for a dollar one time at target.. They're really messy and they take 24 hours to dry...that's a whole day!!! but We get to finish them tomorrow.

Alright... I'm going to spend time with my girl.

Jess and Heather Explores de la Beaches.

So... Heather and I went exploring today. We drove to Hilton Head Island. Its only about an hour away, but its somewhere new for us. We got lost at one point and somehow ended up on a toll road...Mind you we didn't have ANY cash...we're pretty much debit girls, and the toll clerk was rude. We told her we were lost and confused and didn't have any money. She gave us this slip of paper saying we have to mail 1.25 back to them within 5 days. How do they know we didn't pay? Did they take a picture of us? Did they write down our License plate # after we left? IDK. But...being the good citizens we are...we will probably pay the 1.25. Then we went through this ritzy neighborhood like... fast food restuarants were 2 STORY BRICK! and all this crazy fountain stuff! It was sooo cool. We went around in circles then we found... BEACH PARKING!! So..we drove around the parking lot till we found a spot. So we parked. Under a shade tree (YAY Shade!) So then... we walked...like a mile to the beach! it was all faux wood stuff so it was comfy cool. We laid our stuff in the sand and then took off to the water!! YAY ocean!! So we're swimming and I pull up ...dun dun dun... A SAND DOLLAR!!! I was raised on a beach yes, but I've never caught a live one. And then I caught MORE and...MORE and MORE!!! Then as I take them up to the blanket so we can save the memory and give them to Heather's mommy as a trinket and stuff... DOLPHINS catch Heather's eye! Now...Heather's FAVORITE animal is the dolphin. She'd never seen a live real one until November when we came to Savannah for our mini vacation. THen...There were 3! swimming like not even 50 feet from her as I race towards her to share this first with her. Then... We continued swimming and there was another dolphin like 30 feet from us. We saw her eyeball when she dived in the water! It was SOOO awesome! THEN... we saw a girl get a starfish! A real Live STARFISH!! So... the hunt began. We danced in the water and swam together and jumped waves. It was utterly perfect. We were even holding hands in the water! And then...Heather felt one... A starfish Under her TOES!! SHe brought it up but...the waves knocked it away from us. SO... The hunt became our goal. SHE FOUND ME ONE!!! It crawled up my arm as I took it to our blanket. Then I found one! this time I didn't let it crawl up my arm. Then as I was getting it situated... Heather starts walking towards me Holding her hands out...SHE caught one TOO!!! well...A wave made it land on her and freak her out. But It was a WHOLE ONE!! Never been scared!!! so... We lay them flat and make them all stary and then... We pack up and head home because it was getting late and we still had to drive back and stuff... so... Heather got me PizzaHut AND DQ!!! I got a blizzard!!! and then... Now we're home. It was a perfect day filled with many first and most importantly Heather and I just spending time together. It was truly amazing. It made me fall in love with her sooo much. I love her more than anything. She's my world.

14 months

14 Months ago...I, Heather, finally got the courage up to tell Jess I was falling for her...Now granted I did it in the least romantic way ever known to man kind although she disagrees with me about this. I started out texting her, telling her I needed to talk to her, so for her to call me when she got time...well she did, and I started telling her I was falling for someone but I didnt ever think that we could be together (I wasn't really comfortable with my sexuality and I didn't know she had feelings for me!) anyway... I went on and on about this person who had come to mean alot to me but I knew that we could never be together. So Jess being the dutiful best friend speech told me that if its meant to be then it will be and right before I hung up I said "Hey Jess...do you have any idea who I am talking about?" and she replied "Yes and your not alone". At that exact moment my heart skipped like a million beats and I got these huge butterflies in my stomach. So after thinking about it for a while, Jess and I decided not to try to be girlfriends but to be natural and see where it takes us. Not to push anything but not to stop anything either. It wasn't long after that, that I knew I would be spending the rest of my life with her. I realize everyday that I wake up beside her just how truly lucky I am. So for our anniversary we celebrated last night by going to Chili's eating a nice dinner and drinking a margarita, and then going to the beach and walking on the peer and walking holding hands in the sand letting the waves crash over our feet. The stars were shinning so bright lighting up the sky and she looked so beautiful in the moon light. It was one of those nights that you see in movies or read about in books where people try to paint the picture but you never really know what they are talking about until you experience it. It was amazing and just what I needed after the day I had yesterday... More bad news on my family...while I am still dealing with my nanny being so sick my mom calls me yesterday and tells me that she found a knot in her breast a couple of weeks ago and she went to the doctor and they ran some test, well she went back to the doctor yesterday, and the lump came back cancerous. So they did another test and she has to go see a cancer doctor on Tuesday, and we will know more then. I have been extremely angry with the world lately because everything keeps piling on me...(I dont think I mentioned the fact that I lost my job last week too :{ ) Everything keeps going wrong and at times I feel like I cant breathe. Last night was exactly what I needed. A beautiful night with the most amazing woman I have ever met to remind me that life is beautiful and yes there are struggles and obstacles to overcome but if you dont overcome those obstacles then you dont get to have those magical moments last night...so all in all Jess I want to thank you for last night, for the last 14 months, for the next 100 years that we have together but most of all for loving me! I love you baby girl!
♥ Heather

Jess ♥'s Heather

So... Heather and I had a day off together. It really meant alot to me. We dressed up all girly and went downtown and took pictures. She's soo amazing. I woke up this morning to her being soo excited because she'd decided she wants to get back into the healthcare stuff...Mainly home health. She's an amazing CNA and I hate that one nursing home ruined her of that passion for a while. Granted...the nursing home was Satan's Spawn. So she called a home health care agency and we went from there. It was really hot today so we didn't get to stay outside long but...it was still fun! When we came home I got to cuddle with her and I must say...holding her in my arms is the most amazing happy true best thing ever. My body was molded to fit hers. Our hands molded to interlock perfectly. She's the best thing to ever happen to me. I know she's been really down in the dumps lately, and I hate that i can't really do anything to help her with that. All I know to do is to hold her when she asks and not push her when she pulls away. She's truly amazing.

On another note...I think family is starting to figure out that we're together. Heather has been talking to her mom daily, but recently her mom has started saying stuff like Heather is a good wife or even if you and Jess were together... It's an interesting concept to think they're finally figuring it out. They're all freaking out about meeting me when we go gambling with Nanny. I don't understand it. I mean... I'm just a girl...Nothing special. I'm nervous about meeting Nanny because I want to make a good impression on her and let her know that I'm a good person but mainly i want to make a good impression because she is Heather's hero. Its a HUGE deal to meet someones hero especially when that person is the love of you life. I mean...Its like...idk I guess I can't explain it but... I want Nanny to like me. Heather and I were talking last night and I want to know all of the stories Nanny has to tell. I want to know everything about her. She fascinates me. She's soo strong and to raise Heather as well as she did she's got some amazing talent cuz....Heather's an AMAZING woman. I could understand if Heather's family doesn't like me, but if Nanny doesn't...I'd probably dislike myself for a LONG time.

Heather is amazing. She keeps saying she feels like she doesn't do anything...I wish I could express just what she does for me. She's my everything.

Alright...I'm Hungry...and I forgot what else I was going to blog about...Well darn...

Jess.

The good and the Bad

Heather here... So our new dog is in heat...ALREADY! Poor girl. She is so adorable though. She loves stealing Jess's spot beside me on the couch. Every time Jess moves to do something Bella moves over and curls up beside me and looks at Jess like "ha-ha I got your spot" Its too cute! Bad news about my nanny... Her kidneys are starting to shut down. They are sending her to a kidney specialist to see what our options are but the heart doctor didn't seem to think there was much we could do. She is so strong in all of this. She worries more about me worrying about her then she does about herself. Our trip is getting closer and closer, just 20 days away and I am so excited! Jess has been amazing through everything. I know I haven't been the easiest person to live with lately. I have been so down and just blah, that I often don't even feel like talking and Jess, well she is just amazing and she understands it even though she hasn't been there personally she sees the connection between me and my nanny, so even when I don't feel like talking she supports me. I have been going through this, well I don't know what you would call it, but I feel like the walls close in on me sometime and its like I cant breath and I cant stand for anyone or anything to touch me and at first when I pulled away from Jess, she didn't understand and I think it hurt her but I tried to explain where I was coming from and she was okay with it. My family all seems to be "worried" about me, that I'm not dealing well, and blah blah blah, but I don't see how I could be taking it any better. I don't understand how they are so okay with it. They keep telling me she is 82 and she has lived a long life, yes that's true but I think she should have 100 more years ahead of her and while I know its not physically possible my heart doesn't. It doesn't comprehend a world without her. I know I should cherish and be thankful for every moment that I have with her and I am...I guess I am just selfish and I want more. I hate that every time the phone rings I freak out and if I call her and she doesn't answer I cry and am scared senseless til I get her to answer. I don't know how to make that feeling go away. Any Ideas?

Babies....Puppies...and Memories.

So...Heather and I went to the mall the other day and there were SOOO many babies. It was kind of depressing actually. Heather and I want one sooo bad but...we'll figure it all out. So... first i have to tell you about my dog I had growing up. Luke. He was the sweetest dog and he loved me like no other dog has before. He was a small lab. He didn't come up higher than my knee, but he was my dog. He would protect me and was always there for me. Well, then I had to move. My dad said I couldn't take Luke with me so he gave him to a work friend... Well....That was the last time I heard from Luke despite several tries to find him. I missed my dog. Well...Heather and I always look on craigslist for one reason or another and a few days ago there was a posting about a small black lab. The picture posted looked just like Luke. I didn't say anything to Heather about it at first figuring he'd be gone and too big for us. But Heather knew anyways. I got to a breaking point the other day because I missed Luke. I cried while Heather held me and I cried for a while after she went to sleep. I just...missed my dog you know? i missed not having to speak my problems aloud and i missed having someone here to talk to while Heather is at work. Well yesterday Heather caught me looking at the dogs add again. I told her it was too far to go get her. She said to email her anyways... So i did... and now...we have Bella..but we're thinking about renaming her Lucille. She's really sweet and loving and low maintenance. I have yet to decide if Bella Lucy is actually a dog or not... We got her yesterday afternoon and she hasn't barked, peed, pooed, or fetched. She does sleep and eat and drink tho... I think she's still nervous. I am completely spoiled rotten. I love Heather with all I have and all I am. I don't miss Luke as much. I'll always miss him but Bella is seeming to help with that. I think Bella will help with our Babies everywhere thing. We want our family sooo bad and I just can't wait for us to have our family. But I thank Heather for always knowing me. She's absolutely amazing and perfect for me. She's my world.... But you guys already know that...In case you haven't noticed.... I'm completely in love with Heather.

Jess out to get food!

Car Show!

Jess here!! I get to go to a car show!! I get to go to a car show!!! Yes, I'm one of those crazy girls who LOVE car shows. I'm definitely my Daddy's girl in that retrospect. Its 88 degrees here and Heather's at work so no beach for me .... yet! I get to go tomorrow though. I'm excited. Heather says we can play in the water too!!! EEEKS!!! So, if you haven't noticed I'm a big kid. I even twirl around when I have a skirt or dress. But then again it's amazingly fun. I know its probably a little immature and stupid of me to do so, but I figure we have one life. Live it up have fun and be yourself. And me? I'm a little on the crazy side...well...more of completely, but its all good! I love being me. I'm so thankful that Heather lets me be myself without ever trying to change or scrutinize me for being me. She is so amazing. She is always encouraging me to do what I want. She is the reason I'm a published poet. Because of her, I can honestly say I'm here. I have my share of skeletons in my closet, but I have found my way to be myself and forget what others say. Heather has always been there for me supporting me and encouraging me to be me. She was my light for a very long time while we were best friends, but she helped me to find my own light. I can be who I am and truly let both myself and my relationship flourish. Heather has a saying that you can't be happy with someone until you're happy within yourself. When I wasn't happy I was detrimental to the relationships: friendships and exs. Heather truly helped me come to terms with who I am and stop my endless questioning of why people didn't like me. Heather supported me through all my crazy thoughts and crazy notions. She truly loves me for me. And i her. but....sorry for my tangent...I do that alot when it comes to Heather see...she's my world. But anyways... Mother's day is kinda bittersweet for us this year. We want to be mothers so bad and the fact we're not just kinda taunts us. While we just started the hole ttc process and stuff... i guess we just don't do anything half butted. We throw everything we have to get what we want. Its pretty awesome because at least then no matter the income we can always at the very least say we gave it our full try. I'm sorry my ramblings don't always make since but it does in my head...well...I'm going to stop insulting you guy's time with crazy ramblings of me... and go get ready to get Heather from work!!

YAY its almost time for her to get off and be home with me!!!

Jess

Its so pretty outside today. Wish I were at the beach. I'm so excited cause Jess is off on Saturday and I am too so we are going to a car show and then to the beach. Tonight I am fixing dinner and we are going to do dinner and a movie date. I am trying to cheer her up. I know she has been having a hard time at work and she feels guilty talking to me about it because of everything I have going on, but I want her to tell me everything, I can handle it and I just want her happy. She has a job interview tomorrow at 9:30 and I am so excited for her. I hope she gets it,if that's what she wants and it will make her happy. I hate that she is miserable at work. In other news I am SO excited because Jess and I FINALLY scheduled a trip together. Now this isn't just a regular trip this is a trip to take my grandmother (the one who is very sick) gambling. Now I know most of you are probably puzzled but let me explain. My nanny and I started going to Alabama to a casino there right after I turned 19. She loves to play slot machines and I loved spending time with her. It became a special time we spent together even though we could only go a couple of times a year. No one has ever went with us it has always been us two and we would spend all day there and go to lunch together. It is some one of my favorite memories with her. I am extremely excited because this will be the first time Jess has met my nanny. So not only will my two favorite women in the world be in the same room with me, but I get to spend the weekend with them, and share one of my favorite memories with Jess. AND the whole thing was my grandmother's idea! Of course she doesn't know that Jess and I are together (its complicated) but she does know that Jess is a huge part of my life and that we are best friends. Its a huge deal for me to have them together, especially with my nanny being so sick as much as I hate to even think this, it could be the last chance I have to take her. Honestly this is the only thing that is keeping me going right now. Life has been hard lately, For Jess and I both. It just seems like everything that could go wrong has. And yes I know I am having a pity party for one today but sometimes a girl just needs to wallow. I am just getting so boggled down by life. I get so excited at the idea of having a baby with Jess and then at the same time it breaks my heart to know that she will never have a chance to know my nanny. The woman who raised me, the woman who made me the person I am today. I will make sure my child hears all of the stories that my nanny told me and I hope that I can be as good as a mother as she is to me.

Work, Fear, and Hope

SO...Jess here... I know this sounds kind of petty because hey...I have a job... But... When I'm at the job, I feel like the walls are crushing in. The management has become almost unbearable. Its almost like no one there cares. Heather's so amazing throughout everything. She's going through so much right now and for her to give me such unyielding support is amazing. She is always here for me with open arms. No matter what she's been dealt that day, she's always here to listen to me vent, and cry about my petty problems. I feel horrible because I feel like I'm only adding to her stress. She's soo strong to be going through everything life throws at her and yet not get mad at me for freaking out about the little petty work shit that I'm dealing with. I'm scared that...well...I'm scared of a lot of things. I know in my heart that everything will work out perfectly. Its just getting there you know? I mean.....Am I a horrible wife for being scared? For wanting to help Heather in anyway possible, I just... I think that I'm horrible because I feel like I can't do anything to help. I have started looking for a new job and I hope I'll be happier. I finished reading one of my research books to further our "getting our ducks in a row" theme that Heather and I are pretty consistent on. The book was mainly saying that communication was the key to having a well rounded, well adjusted child from LGBT family. I think that Heather and my communication levels (we talk about EVERYTHING...from our goals to our fears to ...just everything) will only help our child to be well adjusted. I hope that our child will know that we love and support her or him with absolute ness. We just want them to be happy and healthy. Other than those two things, we really don't care if they are LGBT or Hetero or anything. Yes, there will be challenges, but what would life be without challenges? It'll be all good! I'm so excited. But ....that's a secret...well..sorta. Lol. I have high hopes. I know it will all work out!

Well, I am off to go eat breakfast with my wonderful Wife! YAY lasagna!

Most of all... My love for my wife grows everyday and you are my world!

I love you Heather!

Jess signing out.

Babies, Babies everywhere!

Jess and I finally had a day off together to spend with each other. We ran some errands and did some shopping. It seemed like everywhere we looked there were babies, or women who were expecting. I had never noticed this before Jess and I seriously started the whole TTC thing. Now every time I turn my head there is a baby or a mother who is absolutely glowing. So I have been feeling extremely over-whelmed with family issues (My grandmother,who raised me, is very sick and still the strongest women I know at 82, however its becoming very apparent that she is going downhill very quickly and its not a reality I can face yet.) and Jess being the amazing wife that she is has been so supportive of me. I have been having anxiety attacks and depression and the littlest thing makes me cry. I dont know what I would do without her. Just another example of how perfect she is for me. So we have decided to try and do our first insemination in August. Thats just a estimate or a goal that we set for ourselves. We have to save up and do more research and all but we set the goal and we are going to try and keep it. We are so excited about the whole idea. We have already came up with the name if it is a girl...Kyleigh Frances (Frances after both of our grandmothers) and if its a boy...well we have no idea. LOL. We will get there. We further our research and went to the local library and found several books on the childs point of view of being raised by gay parents and so on. We are both reading these just to help us learn how to prepare our child with the reality that wasnt their choice. We are so excited about bringing a baby into our home but saddened that the world isnt as accepting as they should be. Its hard for us to understand why people care so much who you date. Why cant LOVE just be LOVE? We are going to teach our son or daughter that Love is just that and it doesnt matter who you love as long as they treat you well and youre happy. Thats all that should matter in our eyes, but what do we know we are just two girls who are in LOVE. We are nervous about bringing a child into a political war when we ourselves are not political but we are doing plenty of research on our rights as mothers and as a gay couple.

Trying to get our ducks in a row...

The thought of having a child has crossed our minds several times in the last month or so, both of us have always wanted to have children, however we were a little nervous about bringing a baby into a world where there is so much hate revolved around same-sex couples. After much thought and discussion around the subject we both knew in our hearts that we wanted a family together and that we should not be denied the right to it because of ignorance. While I am very excited about documenting our story through blogs I am also a little weary of doing so because I don't want to be judged by anyone. I know most people would say that Jess and I are too young to have a child or that we haven't been together long enough, you would have to know us and know the love that we have for one another to understand. The connection that Jess and I have is one that is unexplainable. I will never be able to put into words what she means to me. I know without a doubt that I am going to spend the rest of my life with her. We moved to Savannah in December to start our "fairy tale". We fought hard for our fairy tale and we were persistent through all of the trials and tribulations and we made it.

When Jess and I figure out that we want something the first thing we do is research everything there is to know about it so that we are educated in every possible way on the subject. We have started doing this with the process of AI. I'm not going to lie about it, it has been overwhelming to say the least. There are so many things to consider and ideas to toy around with. I'm sure everyone at first feels a little overwhelmed with the process. However, Jess and I both know in our hearts this is what we want and we are going to fight for it with all that we have. Now the first thing was figured out for us. We knew Jess was going to carry the baby and give birth, because I cannot do so due to health issues when I was younger. I have always wanted to be able to go through the experience of being pregnant and having a child grow in me but it wasn't in the cards for me and I am very glad that I will be able to be there every step with Jess.

We are still in the gather your information stage where we are reading blogs of people who have been through it, researching sperm banks, talking over details. I will admit I think we were both a little naive when we first thought about having a child. We both assumed it always happened on the first try (crazy I know), we quickly learned differently. So now we are just trying to get our ducks in a row and figure all of this information out.

♥Heather

In The Beginning

So...To fully capture our mindset, and our story, Heather and I decided to first chronicle how we met and our story thus far.

I apologize now for the length my blogs may reach...I am an author and I cannot resist telling our love story to all the detail words can allow.

It all began that August day 2006. I was running late to my 11:00 class simply because parking sucked, but that's not the important stuff... I walked in to class and the only person I really noticed was the beautiful young woman in the middle of the first row...right behind the teacher's desk. The seat beside her was open and I was automatically drawn to sit there. I felt that I could relate to her and that there was a connection there even though I had yet to introduce myself. The teacher was paying no mind to me or so I thought so I introduced myself...Well...Sorta...I said Hey. She was taken aback by my forwardness; however, she replied a cool and collected "Hi..." I introduced myself and she in return introduced herself, but she looked to the teacher as though begging for some relief from the crazy girl sitting next to her.

As class continued, my thoughts kept straying from the lecture to the girl sitting beside me. I wanted to know everything about her and I just had to be close. I was secretly excited when the professor informed us the seats we were in at that moment was our "assigned seats" at least so he could know who we were. Over the first week or so, Heather and I made small talk and slowly began branching into actual conversation. We'd walk out of class together and continue our conversation a little, but nothing really major (at least for our friendship status) until the storm. It wasn't a big storm or even really bad...Just rain, wind, thunder and lightning...you know the normal...

Except...

I extended an offer to drive her to her apartment across campus. She accepted. I felt as though she and I were on a date...or something. It felt so surreal... especially because I was beginning to realize that I liked Heather as in...LIKED... I had never actually liked a girl before and I was struggling with the idea of homosexuality. I was raised in a pretty open family, but I never thought that feelings of homosexuality would be something I would be experiencing. I have since accepted who I am, but I'll get to that point. That first drive to her apartment was filled with conversation as our class periods so often were. I extended my offer to include every day of that class and our relationship went truly from acquaintances to friends to best friends in a matter of weeks. Soon we were inseparable. We talked about everything from why the sky was blue and not green to our past to our futures. We talked each other through the drama of being young.

I remember I started to feel more and more comfortable with the idea of me as a homosexual or at least bi and on many occasions shied away from telling her my feelings. I knew she had been with girls before, and that she was trying to get over one, so I figured not now. We held our friendship true till our class ended and I was no longer able to be in her presence everyday. We'd still text and call but eventually we drifted apart by the hurtles of time and space. I knew I still thought about her often wondering where her dreams had taken of her and if by some chance of the heart she too was thinking of me.

After years of silence bearing the hole in my heart, fate would have that she instant messaged me in November 2008. It seemed as though we picked up right where we left off and although we were in separate states (nearly 6 hours apart) we were best friends again. We talked each other out of smoking, bad relationships and stupid mistakes. We shared our joy and happiness, our heartache and wonder. We reminded each other of the glory of happiness and the beauty in just being ourselves. From piercings to hurdles, we overcame everything together, linked by a computer and a phone.

I remember approaching Valentines Day 2009 and dreading the loneliness it brought. Heather and I both decided to dress in all black that day in respect for the singles out there. After work that night, Heather and I were texting per our normal and she asked if she could call. She said she had something she needed to talk about but didn't want it to be as impersonal as a text or instant message. So she called. I could tell she was nervous so I told her whatever it was we'd get through it. She took a deep breath and went into this beautiful speech about how she thought she was falling for someone but they could never be together. She left out all names and genders but I quickly caught on to the fact she was talking about me. At the end of her speech she asked a simple question, "Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?" My response? "Yea, and just to let you know I'm in the same boat. You're not alone."

With that our relationship began to grow from best friends into something more. March 13th, we decided to allow ourselves to be natural. Whether that would bring us together or tear us apart we didn't know at the time. We've had our share of trials and tribulations but at the end of the day the one thing keeping us going was each other. Long distance was hard, trying, and taxing at times, but working for our dreams kept us going. After 5 1/2 months, I finally jumped at the chance to see her and be with her for just a simple weekend. That weekend was amazing as were the memories we made. I realized while I was cuddling with Heather for the first time ever that this is what home felt like. I had no worries, no other thought, just her and I together. We decided then and there that we were going to try and move together.

We researched our decision and decided Savannah was a good place for the both of us. We set out to make Savannah our home. In early December I moved down and began the search for an apartment and truly a place to call our home. Heather happened across an add for our apartment and things just fell into place. I was able to welcome Heather into our apartment late December and we've made it our home ever since.

We never really considered having kids as a lesbian couple for a couple of reasons, but mainly we didn't think it was fair. Recently, we've had a change of heart. We've decided we want to bring a child into the world and raise her/him to the best of our ability. We want a family, and we have started to enact on building us our own. We've started researching every possibility as thoroughly as possible and hope we can make our family dreams come true. She is my family and I am hers. We are excited about the possibility of making our family expand to include a child.

Well...We're going to bed now.

We will write more later.

Jess